Happy Wednesday, America. These people can whistle. Oh, I feel so objectified. But it's great to be back. I want to thank Dana for subbing for me when I was out. I didn't even have to change the size of these booster seats. Anyway, once again, the Democrats have a wartime president. The problem is he's declared war, not on drugs or poverty or even pumpkin spice lattes, but on other Americans. You, me, your parents, those freaks on "Fox & Friends." But I guess there's bad in everything.
BIDEN SAYS ‘EXTREME’ MAGA PHILOSOPHY IS ‘LIKE SEMI-FASCISM’: ‘IT’S NOT JUST TRUMP'
PRESIDENT BIDEN: There's bad in everything. There's lousy senators, there's lousy presidents, there's lousy doctors, there's lousy lawyers.
Sounds like his administration. But, you know, maybe he used to be in the old days, a pretty good athlete.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: I used to be in the old days a pretty good athlete and if someone was really big and tough, he'd say, "I wouldn't screw with him if I had a sledgehammer."
Yeah. Sounds like someone took a sledgehammer to his head. His sentences wander more than he does. What? Oh, did I go too far? But remember what used to be the criticism when Biden was running.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Remember what used to be the criticism of Biden when I was running. Biden's too bipartisan. Biden has too many Republican friends... Not a joke. Now, what in God's name has happened to that?
Yeah. You know what happened to that? You happened to that, ya muttering magoo. You told a big fib. We were told you were going to unify us after Evil Orange Godzilla and then you got in charge and you turned into AOC and extra large... Turns out Joe is more divisive than a shop class table saw. But at least, but at least you don't keep demonizing those brave right wing Americans.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: For those brave right wing Americans who say it's all about shaping America, keeping America as independent and safe. If you want to fight against a country, you need a F-15, you need a something a little more than a gun. No, I'm not joking. Think about this. Think about the rationale we use, that's used to provide this, and who they shooting at? Shooting at these guys behind me.
So he says he's not joking. Which means he's stupid because nothing he said suggests he understands anything about America. Okay. Supporters of the Second Amendment, good luck using that against a tactical fighter aircraft. Sorry, jackass. I'm sorry, Mr. President. Jackass. With that logic, we should give up all our rights because they're also no match for someone flying a bomber. The worst part is he thinks this is clever.
He's like Jesse Waters when he discovers a new word. Do you ever notice he just says it over and over again and always in the wrong context.
Look, the right to bear arms exists, whether there are bombers or not. In fact, it's the Second Amendment that keeps us, not from being bombed by Joe, but for being invaded by other countries. There's no way anyone could invade the United States. Didn't you see Red Dawn? Yeah. We got 400 million guns, and that's just under Judge Janine's bed. It's true. Don't break out of that place. But one small town would decimate the enemy and why? Second Amendment. So you can have your F-15, but it's also our F-15, and fat chance you get any American pilot to bomb an American city.
Besides, after what the Dems have done to our cities, bombing them seems kind of redundant. So Joe's delivering another speech tomorrow about the threat to democracy, which means they've already started defrosting him. But if he's talking about threats to democracy, it's not us, but it's also not him. The only thing he's a threat to is a pair of clean underwear. But obviously, obviously, it's his party's policies we have a problem with. We don't demonize the voters. We attack the policies. We make fun of him. Crime. Inflation. Ukraine. The Border. Afghanistan. Student Loan forgiveness. Taxes.
The Dems screw up on all these things then demonize you for wanting to repair the damage. It's like Joy Behar being mad at the guys who fix broken mirrors. They like that one. But this pre-demonization is a form of self-defense, like spraying holy water at Nancy Pelosi. But this should bug you, because we were sold the wrong Joe. We were expecting Biden and got Stalin. He was going to bring us all together. Well, he has succeeded. He brought the right together, like Michael Moore and a bowl buttermilk. What gives, Joe?
PRESIDENT BIDEN SKIT
Is he driving? Remember when old Joe told voters, if you don't like them, you can vote for someone else? Now, the people who listened are called fascists. His idea of a terror group are moms who attend school board meetings.
Now, remember, Trump never went after voters. He went after the press, of course, politicians, celebrities, you know, real evil. You didn't see Americans as the enemy. Joe's different. With no solutions and a party paralyzed by wokeness, he must stoke fear against the other.
He says we're moving toward semi-fascism, which sounds like semi-flaccid, something Dr. Jill has been praying for for the last 30 years. Disgusting. It's despicable. But if the Republicans are semi-fascist, what does that make Joe? Remember the violence when Trump won, the riots in D.C., Joe said nothing. Trump supporters getting attacked? Joe didn't say a thing. How about the riots that went on for months? Dozens died. Joe basically had to be forced to come out of a basement to say something. Remember, the government coerced censorship or that Merrick Garland didn't stop the illegal protests outside the homes of Supreme Court justices even after the attempt on Brett Kavanaugh.
But the Dems are busy mining one single day in history as proof that 70 million people extoll political violence because apparently being consistently violent is preferable to one day that's such an oddity that everyone condemned it. If only they were Dems, then Kamala would have bailed them out.
